ear to ear

On Learning to Can Open Late in the Game:

Lucrushya: “We’re creating a killer.”

Jamie D: “She came here a killer.”

the sunshine is here

I don’t have anything to say, but WordPress said now more than ever, JUST WRITE.

So I am.

Not too long after looking at recent posts.  Or most posts for that matter.  They’re all so dark and stormy.

And i’m feeling quite sunshiney.

I am enjoying my time alone.  I have finally found it.  Been longing for it for some time, and it has met me on this peak of triumph.

I am appreciating each moment.  Basic things.  Beauty everywhere.

The sunshine, she brings me bliss.

Yes, there are still stormy things.  But there are stormier things looming that I could choose to focus on, yet i’d rather be smiling at the sky.

Maybe things will change.  Maybe prognosis’ will change, and then maybe I will write again.  Scribble angry entries again because something has become too much — and i’ll need to find out what i’m fussing about by writing it in here.

But i’m not writing this for anyone anymore.  I used to like the idea that someone was listening somewhere… and I sometimes had the feeling that the words I typed were putting on a show for someone.  Sometimes some people very specific.

But it’s not like that anymore.

This is for me now.

And that makes me smile.

Hating.
Hate.

Hatred.
This is a bad dream right?
Pushing.
Everything away.
My loves, be gone.

If it wasnt before, this heart will be caged and frozen. No more beats for anyone. Anywhere.
This body will prance around and sell itself but never will they know.

I might hurl this thing off a bridge.
Dead weight.

dusk

The Sun went Down, and the battle rages on.

You’re the trigger to my gun.
My heartbeat set to stun.
If nothing more I strive to be harder, better, faster & stronger.
To make you wish you’d waited longer.

So full of rage, this lion inside my head.
Has dyed my eyes a crimson red.

You talk, talk, talk.
And now we walk away.

Seething.
Waiting.
To destroy.
Any moment that reminds.
Makes me shake and writhe.

It’s only been a day, but I can assure you.
You won’t recognize me soon.

Release of Palpitations

I’m not any of the things you said I was, and I can’t help but hang my head as tears flow freely from my expressionless face.
It’s dark, and they can’t see why I took my skates off and am sitting on the sidelines.
They can’t feel my heart beating though my chest.
-missing-
And I understand now how cold it really was when you sat here supporting your ice queen.
Blew it. I blew it out of the water.
Shards of every reminder. Anything banana. Songs we danced late into the night to. Embedded in every feeling part of my body.

Can’t help but want to be selfish, turn back time, and shower you in kisses and labels – whatever you want.

I finally let someone in, just to shut them out again. I’m no better than the reasons that seemed legitimate

And in the center of it all. I’m spinning. I see your face, and my eyes leak drops of everything that will never be. I was pretty sure I was detached, but It’s clearly not the case.

The beautiful little singing bird that perched it’s satin feathers on my palm was thrown into the air when I recognized I’d been tightening my grip around it’s throat.
You gave me a power I can’t handle. Passive you sat as you fed me a type of control caustic to my natural inclination. It slowly dissolved any kindness in my bones as my veins sputtered with a thick black sludge that slowly hindered my ability to see beauty anymore.

I’m not built for this. And now. After this word vomit I re-realize the right decision. She’s free now, and I’ll be able to sleep without the guilt of my cruelty stealing my dreams when I slumber.
The bed will be cold and lonely, but I made it for myself.

I give up.